An Angel In My Eyes

Nurtured by your womb
A soul within a soul.
Within darkness
Into the light,
Then began
The cycle
Of my life.

Baby steps
You held my hands.
School plays
You smiled and laughed.
Teenage years
Shit, I'm sorry.

I learned my lessons
I smartened up.
You stood by my side
No matter what.

Hair greying
I thought it was time
A grandmother once
A grandmother twice.
Such a good one
I'd say the best.
Always here with us
Til I laid you to rest.

Even cancer couldn't
bring you down
You smiled and laughed
and joked around.
You were so brave
You kept me strong.
I focused on the now
Not when you'd be gone.

Never knowing when,
You were doing so well.
A sudden turn,
And then downhill.
Three days at your bedside
I held your hands.
Laboured breathing
Became less and less.
My arms became your blanket
I shed tears upon your chest.
You bowed your head
As if to hug me,
Closed your eyes..
Your final rest.

The Unspeakable Truth

As you lay dying

I haven't lost hope.

I see a sadness in you

Like you're ready to go.

Staring at the ceiling

In a trance..

What do you see?

I'll never know,

You won't tell me.

I know you don't like to see me cry.

It hurts me to know

You suffer in silence.

Your emotions trapped inside.

Sleeping the days away;

Waking up for pills

To stop the pain before it starts..

I'm grateful for that.

I just wish that I could get you out more,

I wish your appetite would come back.

I stay strong before you,

But it's hard to see you this way..

So pale and so tiny,

So weak..

Always craving sleep.
Peacefully you'll slip away.

I know this, but I dread that day.

I've had nightmares about it.

I love your smiling strength in spirit,

You've helped to keep me strong.

Your childlike innocence

And kind heart of gold..

I couldn't have asked for a better mother.

I love you more than life.

I wish you could live forever..

Just not like this.

The Calm Before The Storm

Talk the talk
The glass half full,
The sun is always shining.

Glistening rays of light
Touch everything in sight.
With squinted eyes
You realise
There's beauty
In it all.

With light
There must come darkness.
You see the shadows cast behind.

Back
Behind
Reverse
Rewind..
Lessons never learned.
A change of focus,
And now you're dwelling.

Misery wants company.
A social butterfly it seems.
With broken tattered wings,
She cannot fly,
Nor is she singing.

Helpless in despair.
Reaching out does not mean
Save me.
Just a motion away
From carving her way..
Towards scarred everlasting,
Screaming shame..
or
Gone forever more.

In the calm before the storm..
A silence falls,
A clarity forms.
Suffering escapes into words..
Life goes on..

For now.

Lovestruck Marionette

So many years ago
I held you
It was then
I called you mine.
I could look into
Your smiling eyes
Until the end of time.

Love
Struck..
My obsession,
I was crazy over you.

Magnetic from the start.
Such intense desire.
Crash and burn, time to heal..
We'd jump back in the fire.

Marionettes..
Our hearts were.
Plucking at the strings,
Look watch them dance.
Wicked we played
Snip snip, now suffer
Stand by and watch,
Tie up the ends..
It was just a game.

I savored the thrill of highs,
Braced tight the lowest times.
I guess we took for granted,
No matter what..
We'd always be.

Then it was over.

Years went by..
I often thought of you.
Then..
What a beautiful surprise
To see those smiling eyes.
Out of the blue..
You were there.

We held eachother close
A long warm embrace,
Never wanting to let go,
I was so happy.

Days have gone by since then
My calls to you unanswered.
Confused I sit and wonder
Are we playing the game again?

Invisible Red Thread

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. The thread may stretch or tangle but will never break ~ Chinese Proverb


I just learned that proverb today after something rather strange happened. Coincidence you may say but I myself don't believe in coincedences. Let me tell you what happened...

My family & I just moved to this neighborhood about a month and half ago. Haven't met any neighbors yet, they seem to keep to themselves. I figure I'll meet them in time as the weather gets warmer. I'm so looking forward to establishing roots here, as I call it. Or should I say creating a brand new garden. With two months to go before I can do any planting, best I can do is clean up the yard.

I began cleaning up stray garbage & leaves in the backyard. I recycle & compost, so rather than shoving everything into garbage bags I sorted through everything. Wearing gloves of course. As I raked my fingers through the leaves I began finding business cards which I threw away; but as time went on I began finding someone's ID. My first thought was to just toss it. Whomever lost it must have cancelled everything & aquired new ID. I continued sweeping my hands through the leaves only to find more. A bank card, a wallet & a social insurance card O_O
I wiped the wet leaves off one of the cards to read the name. These Id's belonged to a Dr! Now I was thinking *oh shit..this could be serious* This could have been a serious assult. Maybe I need to phone the police. I ran into the house & Googled the name, searching for any possible news archives. No news stories but I did find out who he was.

This is where the story gets strange or very coincedental. This man turns out to be a dentist whose office is very close to my home. Conveniently, I just happened to have an appointment there today. My first visit there. Isn't it funny how life makes things just fall into place like that?
I brought his wallet and identification to my appointment. I know it's probably all cancelled & he's been issued new cards but I've had ID lost/stolen before & always wonder where it is, what happened to it. There's a little fear that someone could try to steal my identity & my criminal record suddenly be full of things I didn't do. I brought it to him to give him peace of mind.

My appointment was with a different dentist & I wasn't able to deliver his belongings to him personally as he was away but the receptionist was quite shocked & happy. She said he would be too. I found out what happened...
 He had just stepped out of his vehicle, probably to run into the office and grab something..when all of a sudden a man on a bicycle drove by, smashed his window & grabbed his wallet & took off. I felt relieved that it wasn't a violent mugging. I don't know him, but still..I care about the well being of people in general.

After I gave the receptionist his things she called the other dentist & hygenist over to tell them what happened. The dentist I had an appointment with was especially in awe as she had just watched the series Touch last night. She told me about it & explained the Chinese Proverb of the invisible red thread that's attached to you & everyone you'll meet in your life. She said, "This is so weird! I just watched that show last night and it's real..that's what this is, it's happening".

  Touch trailer (HD) Starring Keifer Sutherland

Out Of Focus

Dwelling on what's wrong
But what's so wrong with right?
That little voice inside your head
It keeps you up all night.

Toss and turn,
Your body's tense;
Fears echo through the night.
What if this? What if that?
Your mind's screenplay
Spells disaster.

Make believe
Catastrophies
That record
Won't stop skippin.

Happiness is so short lived
Frustration is consistent.

Pity the fool,
The failure is you.
In solitude you're crying.
Head filled with doubt.
There's no way out,
What's the use of trying?

You look out the window
Up to the sky
You throw your hands up
And yell "Please God Why?"

Grey clouds drift away
The sun shines on you.
Trees seem to dance
And the sky is so blue
Birds happily sing
Their sweetest songs.
It is then you realize
That your focus was wrong.

Goodbye to a Beloved Family Pet

Detour I look at your pictures and I can't help but cry, I miss you already. I remember bringing you into our lives in the palm of my hands..a tiny baby just like my son. I watched the two of you grow together for the last fifteen years.

I smile and laugh a little thinking back to the days when you were both babies and Braelen thought of you more as a fluffy toy as I'd always catch him dragging you by the tail across the kitchen floor. Other cats would have scratched or bit him but you never did..not ever. Back then you just seemed to know that he was little like you and just didn't know any better. Then five years later Kaya came along and again you were just as patient, gentle and understanding with her in her baby & toddler stage.

I think anyone who ever met you loved you..what was not to love? You were just this big cuddly, gentle cat that would never hurt a fly. I have to laugh now cause thinking about it I don't think you ever did kill a bug..ever, maybe you might have fainted if anything. A bit of a coward you were but that's ok..it was cute.

You were such a beautiful cat, not just in appearance but personality..forever purring you seemed to always be happy and oh so calm, cool & collected. Just being in your presence was enough to bring anyone out of a negative mood.

Another memory that stands out strong in my mind was the time you woke us and saved us from a house fire..not just your average house cat but a hero as well.

In my eyes you are so amazing. I'm so grateful that of all the kittens I could have chosen that day I picked you, or should I say you picked us.

I'm so glad you got to be a part of our lives for so long. I think you had a good life, I hope so. You gave us comfort, joy, happiness, security & so much more. I hope that we gave you a good life in return.
I only wish that you didn't suffer so much before you passed away. It was heart wrenching seeing you that way. We all love you so much, we never wanted to lose you but in the end your death was a relief as it brought an end to your suffering. Although a relief, it doesn't stop the tears from falling. Watching videos and looking through pictures makes me smile remembering all the good times but then I cry cause none of that will bring you back. Thank you for touching our lives with your beautiful little soul. I'll always love you and I'll never forget you. R.I.P Detour aka Dootee XOXO


More pictures to come...

I use this picture as my screensaver now. I think it's very fitting as Detour is now sleeping peacefully.