Sadness always hides
Behind these eyes
This heart only knows
Happiness based on lies.
Thoughts steer much too often
Towards fears that grab hold
And spin
Kaleidoscope of pain
The darkside takes
The win.
Solitude is numbing
Where as sleep
Is to vanish.
Dreams are but a ghost
That doesn't consist.
A love so strong
That completely fell apart
Trust is now so lacking
In matters of the heart.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Mother
"Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children." ~ Quote from The Crow
Some believe that we choose our parents before we're born. I chose well. My friends on the other hand, not so well. Over the years I've heard so many people complain about their parents. How they drive them crazy, they're so annoying and they just can't stand them. My friends all fell in love with my mom and unofficially adopted her. Most called her mom.
I'm not going to lie, my relationship with my mom hasn't always been perfect. Teenage years...my bad, I drove her to drink. Those years were a drunken blur for myself too. But when the ride was over and I realized that I wasn't the shit that knew it all, it hit me that boy did I ever fuck up. I really put my mom through hell too. I smartened up, apologized and began respecting her again, feeling like shit that I ever stopped.
When I was about seven my dad was diagnosed with bone cancer. He became very sick very quickly and had chosen to die at home. When I was eight I had a dream in which my dad came to me and said that he wouldn't be around much longer and that he wanted my mom and me to look after one another. Shortly after that he passed away.
My mom was his caregiver. I remember that night like it was only days ago. I had a friend sleeping over, but I couldn't fall asleep. My dad was in the next room and had a terrible cough keeping him awake. My mom was awake all night, I remember her checking in on me and asking why I wasn't sleeping yet. My dad's coughing sounded terrible, tears were welled up in my eyes. I asked my mom if she could call the Dr or take him to the hospital but she said there was nothing they could do for him.
In the morning there were paramedics everywhere and my mom was in another room devistated unable to speak. There were family and friends there as well and I was told that my dad had died. It all just felt like a dream for me.
Some years later my mom told me what happened that night. After she checked in on my friend and I she went to check on my dad. His coughing finally stopped and he told her he was going to try and get some sleep. She was doing laundry so she told him she'd come back and check on him when the load was done. Later she walked in the room to see how he was doing...he turned to her and as their eyes met she saw the life leave his eyes. That was it, he was gone. She said goodbye and closed his eyes.
My mom and I went through many more trials and tribulations over the years, many times struggling now that she was a single mom. One thing that remained the same was the bond we shared. We stuck together through thick and thin and when times were tough we helped pull each other through.
My mom is an amazing person. She has a heart of gold, she's so gentle and kind. But at the same time, when something traumatic happens she's tough as nails. Her blood pressure is always perfect cause she doesn't stress or worry about anything. She has taught me much through example. Her wise words for me at thirteen..."the easiest way to quit smoking is to never start at all". I listened.
I wish my grandmother would have given that advice to my mom when she was young. My mom started smoking when she was nine! She was a heavy smoker for 60 years. I always begged and pleaded for her to quit growing up, especially when I learned in school how bad it was.
Last summer in July, my mom noticed the book The Secret sitting on the table. I told her, "it's a good book, you should read it." She told me she couldn't. I figured she needed stronger prescription for her glasses but she said that she could only see through her right eye. I gave her shit for not telling me before and phoned the house Dr to come see her. He told me to take her to the hospital immediately as she could have had a slight stroke. She got in fairly quickly and saw many Dr's and had tons of tests done. They couldn't figure out why she was having vision problems. She hadn't been for a physical in some time so they checked everything.
They got me to take her to an eye specialist who diagnosed her with glaucoma. He said her left eye was too far gone to do anything so she's now blind in her left eye and requires drops daily to retain sight in her right eye.
Once all the test results came back we went to see a respiratory Dr who said my mom has lung cancer. The Dr's had mentioned a mass in her chest but didn't want to say anything until they knew for sure what it was. My mom and I had talked about it and weren't surprised. Her tumor is right behind her heart so surgery is not an option. Radiation and chemotherapy can be done but she has chosen not to do either treatment as she has no pain right now. With both procedures comes many symptoms, pains and she could very well die from them.
Like my dad, my mom has chosen to stay at home and I'm her primary caregiver. She also has nurses from Cancer Care that meet with her. I have to say that I'm very grateful for cancer care, they are wonderful.
Through all of this, my mom remains in high spirits. I swear nothing can get this woman down. I cherish every moment I spend with her. Her positive attitude and strength inspires me and gives me strength. I love you mom xoxo
Some believe that we choose our parents before we're born. I chose well. My friends on the other hand, not so well. Over the years I've heard so many people complain about their parents. How they drive them crazy, they're so annoying and they just can't stand them. My friends all fell in love with my mom and unofficially adopted her. Most called her mom.
I'm not going to lie, my relationship with my mom hasn't always been perfect. Teenage years...my bad, I drove her to drink. Those years were a drunken blur for myself too. But when the ride was over and I realized that I wasn't the shit that knew it all, it hit me that boy did I ever fuck up. I really put my mom through hell too. I smartened up, apologized and began respecting her again, feeling like shit that I ever stopped.
When I was about seven my dad was diagnosed with bone cancer. He became very sick very quickly and had chosen to die at home. When I was eight I had a dream in which my dad came to me and said that he wouldn't be around much longer and that he wanted my mom and me to look after one another. Shortly after that he passed away.
My mom was his caregiver. I remember that night like it was only days ago. I had a friend sleeping over, but I couldn't fall asleep. My dad was in the next room and had a terrible cough keeping him awake. My mom was awake all night, I remember her checking in on me and asking why I wasn't sleeping yet. My dad's coughing sounded terrible, tears were welled up in my eyes. I asked my mom if she could call the Dr or take him to the hospital but she said there was nothing they could do for him.
In the morning there were paramedics everywhere and my mom was in another room devistated unable to speak. There were family and friends there as well and I was told that my dad had died. It all just felt like a dream for me.
Some years later my mom told me what happened that night. After she checked in on my friend and I she went to check on my dad. His coughing finally stopped and he told her he was going to try and get some sleep. She was doing laundry so she told him she'd come back and check on him when the load was done. Later she walked in the room to see how he was doing...he turned to her and as their eyes met she saw the life leave his eyes. That was it, he was gone. She said goodbye and closed his eyes.
My mom and I went through many more trials and tribulations over the years, many times struggling now that she was a single mom. One thing that remained the same was the bond we shared. We stuck together through thick and thin and when times were tough we helped pull each other through.
My mom is an amazing person. She has a heart of gold, she's so gentle and kind. But at the same time, when something traumatic happens she's tough as nails. Her blood pressure is always perfect cause she doesn't stress or worry about anything. She has taught me much through example. Her wise words for me at thirteen..."the easiest way to quit smoking is to never start at all". I listened.
I wish my grandmother would have given that advice to my mom when she was young. My mom started smoking when she was nine! She was a heavy smoker for 60 years. I always begged and pleaded for her to quit growing up, especially when I learned in school how bad it was.
Last summer in July, my mom noticed the book The Secret sitting on the table. I told her, "it's a good book, you should read it." She told me she couldn't. I figured she needed stronger prescription for her glasses but she said that she could only see through her right eye. I gave her shit for not telling me before and phoned the house Dr to come see her. He told me to take her to the hospital immediately as she could have had a slight stroke. She got in fairly quickly and saw many Dr's and had tons of tests done. They couldn't figure out why she was having vision problems. She hadn't been for a physical in some time so they checked everything.
They got me to take her to an eye specialist who diagnosed her with glaucoma. He said her left eye was too far gone to do anything so she's now blind in her left eye and requires drops daily to retain sight in her right eye.
Once all the test results came back we went to see a respiratory Dr who said my mom has lung cancer. The Dr's had mentioned a mass in her chest but didn't want to say anything until they knew for sure what it was. My mom and I had talked about it and weren't surprised. Her tumor is right behind her heart so surgery is not an option. Radiation and chemotherapy can be done but she has chosen not to do either treatment as she has no pain right now. With both procedures comes many symptoms, pains and she could very well die from them.
Like my dad, my mom has chosen to stay at home and I'm her primary caregiver. She also has nurses from Cancer Care that meet with her. I have to say that I'm very grateful for cancer care, they are wonderful.
Through all of this, my mom remains in high spirits. I swear nothing can get this woman down. I cherish every moment I spend with her. Her positive attitude and strength inspires me and gives me strength. I love you mom xoxo
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